By Laura Libert, December 2008
Whatever your political beliefs may be, it is clear to most everyone that we are in the midst of an economic downturn. I mean, we’ve all seen the stock market steadily dropping, the bank bailout, and of course, that Allstate commercial. You know, the spokesperson with the comforting voice standing in a grocery aisle talking about the recession and asking if we’re in good hands? Though it appears Gainesville is weathering the current hard times with relative ease, it does seem as though the purse strings have gotten a little tighter. Working in fine dining, it’s no surprise that we’ve noticed a slight downturn in business. Consequently, we find ourselves with a little more downtime on our hands. After you’ve cleaned every speck of the kitchen you can think of (I mean, really, why do we need to clean the underside of the sink?), what else is there to do? Without something to keep us busy, the clock moves at half speed. Lucky for me, I work with a cluster of creative, quirky folk who never fail to amuse me.
So, in case you face a similar predicament, here are a few extracurricular activities to keep your mind off the tumbleweeds in the dining room:

1. Cooking Lessons: With all sorts of ingredients and equipment at our disposal, there’s an abundance of opportunities for education. Our kitchen manager, H. Carl, has been gracious enough to provide us with demos on how to make the perfect omelet soufflé (be it sweet or savory) and ice cream made from leftover crème brulée batter. As a former employee of Auntie Anne’s, he taught me how to make and throw pretzels.
2. Kitchen Stadium: This all-encompassing term can refer to cook offs, inventive staff meals with a hint of culinary creativity, or merely the degree of ‘ballerness’ we exhibit on the line. It’s a little joke adapted from Tyrone, who constantly references ‘Kitchen Stadium’ as he makes Iron Chef-esque commentary throughout the shift. Occasionally, H. Carl will get a bee in his bonnet for something different and a random ingredient or protein will come in along with all the usual suspects. The results are always tasty, and we’ve feasted on such delicacies as beef carpaccio, kobe beef hotdogs or a crispy sea bass in a creamy tomato sauce.
3. Lists, Lists, Lists: Seriously. We make lists of lists. The latest editions include every slang term for beer, sex and intoxication, as well as every name of every bar in town. These long anthologies usually end up sung along to Mr. Johnny Cash’s “I’ve Been Everywhere” (i.e. “I’ll drink every beer, man, I’ll drink every beer”… and so on).
4. Songs in General: Our premiere grill cook has been known to exchange the word ‘love’ for ‘lunch’ in any song he can think of. (i.e. “I would do anything for lunch, but I won’t do that!”) It’s actually really entertaining, give it a try! Seriously, right now, I don’t care if you’re on the city bus.
It’s not uncommon to parody songs like Weird Al. Our “Ace of Cakes” (As opposed to “Ace of Spades”) is always a crowd pleaser, but my favorite is the adaptation of “Ridin’ Dirty.” Bri-Bri and Franz rewrote the lyrics to reference our after-work watering hole that serves doubly as a divorcée meat market:

Karoake/Bon Jovi/
The cougars, they all want me/
‘Cause they’re so old and horny/
‘Cause they’re so old and horny

5. Games: Someone always gets a copy of the Alligator, tears out every decent word game, and throws the rest away. As the days get duller, the mind transforms the utilitarian into the entertaining, or at least the distracting. Almond slices, when flicked just the right way, turn into flying saucers whizzing across the kitchen. A trio of lemons becomes perfect for juggling, and quick-pours sub as bowling pins.

At times the entertainment is less than complex in nature. But to me it’s kind of like potty humor; it is, and always will be, funny. Whatever will get us through to the next day is valuable to our sanity, and every second spent fighting boredom is a second well spent.