By Hank Stram, November 2008
This month’s column is going to be short and sweet. Copy deadlines being what they are, I’m writing this a full week before the 2008 presidential election and I’m going to go out on a limb and offer my prognostications. In brief, I predict a merciful end to Karl Rove’s vaunted “permanent Republican majority.” Granted, The People signaled their intentions back in November 2006, so it’ll hardly be a miracle if I’m right. But this time around I anticipate the electoral equivalent of torches and pitchforks. And I have to thank Wall Street, Sarah “Millstone” Palin, and the John McCain campaign brain trust for making my job that much easier.
My big concern has always been that the GOP election manipulation machine (purged voter rolls and other disenfranchisement tactics like eligibility challenges) would present an insurmountable structural advantage for the Republicans, and this may yet prove to be a problem for down-ticket races. But I believe that the hatred the American people have for their Republican tormentors will be enough of a motivator to overcome the 4 percent or 5 percent that the GOP has lately been able to shave off the Democratic tally before the voting even begins. That said, I predict that McCain will get stomped like a narc at a biker rally. It’s a shame that this once-proud and honorable man will have to live his last few minutes in the presidential aspirant spotlight like Joe Pesci at the end of Casino, but he consorted with such icky people and ran the nastiest and most incompetent campaign I’ve ever seen, so fuck him. It’ll be a joy seeing the ol’ maverick getting dragged off to the rendering plant.
And what of the Senate? I’ll admit to being stunned when the Dems ran the table back in ‘06. Given the seething hatred for all things GOP in late 2008, I predict another seismic shift in the upper house. Imperiled seats like those occupied by Liddy Dole, Mitch McConnell, Gordon Smith and Norm Coleman will flip from “R” to “D,” with the lone Democratic loser being Louisiana’s Mary Landrieu (who’s not really a Democrat, anyway). In my dreams, the Dems obtain a veto-proof super-majority in the Senate, which would be a blessing because it would finally thwart the filibuster-happy Senate Republicans. But I must admit that my ulterior motive in hoping for a 61-seat Democratic majority is that it would allow the Democrats to strip Joe Lieberman of all his power, relegating him to the status of Senate peg-boy. He deserves it. Alas, I don’t see this happening, although I’d be delighted to be proven wrong. UPDATE: Octogenarian criminal Sen. Ted Stevens, R-AK, was found guilty on all seven counts in his corruption trial. Perfect timing, too: Stevens is up for re-election. If Alaskans have any sense (uh-oh – see Palin, Sarah), we’ll soon see Stevens’ seat in the “D” column. (A tip for Lieberman: start with small pegs and work your way up).
I predict a big number of pick-ups in the House – say, 25 or 30 seats. The only notable loss on the “D” side of the aisle will be 100-term Rep. Jack Murtha, Pa, who called his constituents racists (which they are). But on the positive side, loons, goons and goobers like Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, R-Fla., and Michele Bachmann R-Minn., will soon be looking for new jobs.
All in all, I predict a glorious November 4 for the good guys. It’s too bad the country had to be reduced to smoldering rubble for The People to wake up to the reality of Republican rule, but America has shown that it can rise up from even bleaker circumstances than these. I just hope the marginalized Republican minority can get used to the idea of being ruled by a radical Manchurian-candidate Muslim baby-murderer who pals around with terrorists, wasn’t even born in the U.S., and was sent here by his Indonesian overlords to destroy America from within. Still…it beats having another Bush in the White House.