By Hank Stram, September 2008

“It’s like these guys take pride in being ignorant.” – Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama

“Forty percent of the mass of every tree in the forest is crude oil.” – Rep. Bill Sali (R-ID), suggesting Idaho could be the next Saudi Arabia (but confusing cellulosic ethanol with oil).

“(Pelosi) is committed to her global warming fanaticism to the point where she has said that she’s just trying to save the planet. We all know that someone did that over 2,000 years ago, they saved the planet — we didn’t need Nancy Pelosi to do that.” – Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R, of course—MN)

“I am so proud to be from the state of Minnesota. We’re the workingest state in the country, and the reason why we are, we have more people that are working longer hours, we have people that are working two jobs.” – Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R—MN)

“Politics makes strange bedpersons[…]I would not be uncomfortable in Bob Byrd’s bed.” – Sen. Larry Craig (Wide Stance—ID)

“In the 21st century nations don’t invade other nations.” – Clueless and Presumptuous GOP presidential candidate John McCain

Stability in Iraq ultimately depended on “spreading the message of Jesus Christ, the message of peace on earth, good will towards men. […]Everything depends on everyone learning about the birth of the Savior.” – Rep. Robin Hayes (R, naturally—NC)

At one point there was a debate over whether or not McCain’s campaign was being run by lobbyists. Conventional wisdom had it that McCain couldn’t be influenced by lobbyists because… because… well, just because. He’s a maverick, dammit! Despite protestations to the contrary, McCain’s campaign was lousy with lobbyists, from the lowliest advisor on up. McCain made a big show of booting a few of the lesser lobbyists off the Straight-Talk Express, but it remains true that his entire inner circle is still comprised of heavy-hitting lobbyists from the usual special interests. The recent military action between Georgia and Russia provides a dramatic illustration of why this is a problem. McCain’s foreign-policy adviser Randy Scheunemann also happens to have been a (highly) paid lobbyist for the nation of Georgia. I have little doubt that McCain, who appears to know very, very little about anything, much less the regional politics of the Caucasus, is getting his marching orders directly from Scheunemann and that he may have actually given Georgian president Mikheil Saakashvili reassurances about U.S. military support should Georgia attempt to reclaim the Russian-allied republic of South Ossetia. Likely emboldened by McCain’s pledge of support, Georgia proceeded with the invasion and suffered immediate and massive retaliation by the Russians. In an attempt to look presidential, McCain was quick to appear on the scene and proclaim “I know I speak for every American when I say today we are all Georgians.” When neither U.S. troops nor support materialized, a perplexed Saakashvili appeared on television and urged McCain to back up his words with actions. The net takeaway here is that McCain may have actually given the Georgian president the impression that the U.S. would get into a shooting war with Russia in order to defend Georgia – all because one of his big foreign policy advisors happens to have been on Georgia’s payroll! What’s wrong with this picture, besides everything? If you guessed “John McCain isn’t the president and he shouldn’t be committing U.S. troops to wars,” congratulations on understanding the obvious. While I’m thinking of it, “I know I speak for every American when I say today we are all Georgians” seems kinda presumptuous, as well. I thought Obama was supposed to be the presumptuous one.

Did it ever occur to anyone that by the standards set by the Military Commissions Act, which John McCain supported, McCain was not tortured by the North Vietnamese? He was merely the subject of enhanced interrogation. No death, no organ failure, no foul.

While I’m taking cheap shots at McCain, I’d like to revisit the “Obama is an elitist” canard. In a recent interview with Jonathan Martin and Mike Allen of The Politico, McCain was asked how many houses him and his wife Cindy own. His response? “I think—I’ll have my staff get to you. It’s condominiums where—I’ll have them get to you.” According to Newsweek, the number is at least seven. I’ll leave it up to you to decide who’s really the elitist.